What is a Reflection / Empathy Guess?

Another excerpt of an email conversation!

Enjoy,
Gail

in our conversation last night, i found myself tripping up on
offering you a reflection of your feelings vs telling stories.

a classic, textbook reflection / empathy / mirroring is simply 2 parts:

Feeling + Need + ?

(hehehe..3parts, it helps if it's a question, not a statement).

Ex: are you (feeling) concerned because you need to trust you're safe?
Ex: are you (feeling) flustered because you'd like clarity?

If it's a statement, you revert to education rather than inviting the other to check in with themselves. The idea behind empathic reflections/mirroring is not only about mutual understanding; it also helps the speaker get self-connected and reduce emotional hijack. But if you say it as a statement (ex: "Oh i get it you're concerned b/c you want to be safe" the other person may not take it well "stop psychoanalyzing me!" or "don't tell me who i am!!"). Keeping it as a question helps them hear your guess as just that - a guess - which helps them to self-connect while they check out the guess.

Meanwhile, the whole "Are you Feeling because you Need XYZ" -- this crap gets canned and corny really quick, so once we get the F/N base, we can go a bit more colloquial:

Ex: so do i get that you're upset b/c you really want companionship?
Ex: are you frustrated b/c you'd prefer to have more confidence i hear you?

One of the tricks of empathic reflection is NOT getting yourself caught into it. This is NOT about you, this is NOT about including you. Ex: "are you frustrated because i interrupted you" is not an empathy guess, it's a mistake of you confusing strategy (what you did) with need (what stimulates the other person's frustration). Instead, try "are you frustrated because YOU really want to be heard?"

This also helps us, as listener, get out of the blame-game, because we're not confusing us with the internal experience of the other.

Ex:
replace "are you irritated b/c you want me to not interrupt you"
with "are you irritated b/c you dearly want space to speak"

More colloquial flow comes when we get the concept beyond the form:

"Yeah, part of what i get is that when you're not getting the kind of companionship you want, it's frustrating for you and you feel lonely...you really WANT that companionship....is that right?"

Here i have the Feeling (frustrated, lonely) and the need (companionship), but it's completely outside the form of "are you F b/c you N...?"

Here's another:

"I imagine it's confusing for you to not know what to do, because you'd really like the clarity and the sense of understanding how to move forward. Is that right?"

Again I have the Feeling (confusion) and the need (clarity, understanding), and it's still in the form of inquiry ("is that right?"), but it's totally out of the form of "F + N + ?".

The common habits we're trained include lots of slippery slopes. One, is we mix up "feel like' and "feel that" with "feelings". When we start with "feel like' or "feel as if" - whatever comes next will be a thought, an image, a story. "I feel like she's being an idiot". That's not a "feeling", feelings are internal emotions separate from others. I can feel sad, happy, delighted, irritated, confused, anxious. These are "feelings". "I feel like this just isn't going to work" isn't a "feeling", it's a thought, an assessment, a conclusion your mind has come to. When we talk about our thoughts, assessments, and conclusions, we risk putting forward points for debate. When we talk about our feelings, we're merely stating internal states; who can argue with that. "I'm feeling sad." "No you're not!"

??

So by talking about feelings (not thoughts, stories, or assessments) we make it easier for others to hear our deepest intentions without distraction.

Likewise, we can go a slippery slope on the Needs bit, too. Ex: "I need you to shut up" is not a need, it's what i want as a strategy. Anytime we follow "need" with "you/him/her/me" or say "need to", odds are we're ending with a strategy. Just like thoughts, when we talk about strategies instead of underlying universal needs, we have room for combat, debate, argument.

Ex: "I need you to clean your room" / "I don't want to!!"
instead, try "I dearly need order" (now we can collaborate on a strategy to meet your need in a way that works for both of us.

When we talk, think, and ask questions in terms of NEEDS inquiry, we have a powerful tool for creativity and resourcefulness; I like to say there are 10K strategies to meet a need. But when we talk in terms of thoughts, strategies, and assessments, we quickly paint ourselves into a corner that's hard to get out of.

Ex: "I just feel like this isn't working" (doesn't give me options, does it?)
Ex: "I am SO frustrated - I really want this to be easier for us!!" (now you can make a request that will help things get easier) "Can we just take a breath and hold hands for a few minutes while we think up ideas?"

So - bottom line:

Empathy guess / reflection / mirroring in TIA consists of 90% needs-awareness, 10% emotional awareness (cuz it helps us more powerfully express the depth of the yearning).

Ex: Are you F b/c you N....?
Ex: Are you delighted because you've had so much play this week?
Ex: I imagine you're sad, cuz you want more support, huh?
Ex: Is it that you're bewildered b/c you'd really like to get a handle on what's going on? ("get a handle on" is colloquial for "understanding"/"clarity").

Does this help you make more sense of what i'm hoping for when i say i need "reflection", or "empathy"?

What's an Observation?

To observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.
- Jiddu Krishnamurti

When we think and communicate based on pure observation, needs and requests, we increase the likelihood for movement, connection and fulfillment.

For the sake of increasing fulfillment, I invite you to replace the use of "observation" as it is colloquially used (to mean "to state an opinion or conclusion") with a sense of speaking about the world in observations that are without conclusion, assessment, opinion, or judgement.

Observation is:
- the act of making and recording a measurement. Ex: "Three times this week". Therefore "always", "never", and "sometimes" are not observations, but assessments. "You never XYZ," is not an observation. "Twice last week you didn't XYZ...," may be an observation.

Observation is:
- recognizing and noting some fact or occurrence. Ex: "The door closed." Therefore, interpretation is not the same as observation, "you slammed the door" is an interpretation. "I have not heard you tell me back what I'm saying" is an observation. "You're not listening," is an interpretation.

Observation is:
- recognizing and noting some fact or occurrence. Ex: "I asked twice and twice he said 'no'," is an observation. "He is stubborn," is a label, an assessment, an opinion, a judgment.

Observation is:
- recognizing and noting some fact or occurrence. Ex: "I have met 2 people who earned more than I earn who I did not like," is an observation. "Rich people are mean, they think they're entitled," are generalizations, categorizations (ie: assessments, not observations).

Observation is:
- recognizing and noting some fact or occurrence, without making meaning. Ex: "1000 suicide bombers died last year," is an observation. "The world is being overrun by suicide bombers," is an extrapolation of you making meaning, your opinion / conclusion that doesn't represent a fact.

Observation is:
- free of judgment, opinion, analysis, assessment, generalization, or interpretation. Ex: "I observe that 3 days last week you told me you were busy," is an observation. "I observe that she's pathological," is not an observation, it's an assessment, an analysis, regardless of the fact that the word 'observe' is being used. "She is wearing a red hat," is an observation. "She's dressed strangely," is an opinion.

Think of it this way - if someone can argue with you on your statement or debate the validity of it, or if it could not be recorded on a video or on tape, then it's likely not an observation.

How are your powers of observation?

FACT OR THOUGHT?
For each of these sentences would you assess it as an observation or as an opinion? If you think the sentence is an opinion, how might it be changed to qualify as an observation?

- The world is falling apart.
- I'm having a bizarre day.
- You're just PMSing.
- He's difficult.
- He hung up on me 3 times! He's a jerk!
- You're a terrific dancer.
- You're the best dancer I've ever danced with.
- I love how you waltz.
- I notice I'm obsessing.
- I notice I'm spending more than 2 hours a day thinking about it.
- I observed that he was too impatient to talk to me.
- She said it in a threatening tone of voice. Everyone would agree!

Win/Win in the Inner Community

Win/Win in the Inner Community - Who what?

Ok - have you ever had one of those moments where 2 parts of you want 2 different things?

"Oh I really want to stay home today; but man am I exhausted."
"I care about her and I see she wants to go out. But I want my freedom!"
"I really want to contribute to my child playing, but I have to get to work!"
"I know I feel guilty about making so much money while others can't afford health insurance, but that's just the way the world works!"

We as human beings have the incredible capacity for adaptation. Unfortunately, one way we adapt is by powering one side of ourselves over another side of ourselves - in fact, abandoning part of us in favor of another part.

We don't actually think about our choices as, "Ok I'm going to choose to abandon part of me in favor of another part," but bottom line, that's what we do out of not having other options. Here are some examples:

"I know I'm exhausted, but forget that part - I have to go to work - I have to make money and cover my a** with my boss." (choosing my desire for stability over my desire for self-care and rest)
"Sure a part of me cares for her...but in this case I'm going to put my freedom first." (choosing my desire for autonomy over my desire to express care)
"I can't do this; no play with Billy right now - work wins." (choosing income stability and contributing economically to my child, over my contributing to my child now in play or in acknowledgment)
"Ok Bob, keep your nose down, and I'll just do the best I can. I can't take care of the whole frigging world." (choosing self-care over the part of me that cares about the wider circle)

Although tragic (in that we abandon part of ourselves for another part), this is a common, natural response when we have (what I like to call) a "crisis of imagination". If we had another option, we'd use it. But we're all doing the best we can. In each of these cases, when we abandon one part of ourselves in favor of another part, what we're really saying is "I don't have clarity on how to move forward in a way that takes both sides into account."

So we just pick a side. "Life is about sacrifice," we tell ourselves, pushing the other side under the carpet. "Sometimes you just have to compromise," we rationalize.

Until recently, this triage of choosing one side over another has served us. It has been a fundamental, critical survival and coping mechanism. It's given us answers. It tells us what to do. Boom, done.

More recently, however, what we're noticing is that this self-abandonment seeds dozens of other troubling, and highly costly consequences:
- depression
- apathy
- chronic irritation
- stress disorders
- rebellion (mid-life crisis is often about the supressed side resurfacing and taking power over the supressor-side)
- chronic (and costly) health issues

What's worse, what we do to ourselves (in self-abandonment and habitually using 'power over' as a means to cope) we also do to the world around us:
- parenting, "What I say is all that matters, do it or else. Forget what you need. Behave."
- management, "If you don't do what I say when I say it, I'll find someone who will. Comply."
- education, "We want control and order, so sit down, shut up, and regurgitate what you're told on test papers. Be Good."
- government, "Your situation, voice, and needs don't matter; the red-tape, rules, and regulations are the final word. Conform."

Everywhere we go, there we are. In the same way we wind up accomplishing one set of needs (ex: order, movement, or confidence/safety from trying to assert power/control), we ultimately also create environments of resentment, rebellion, apathy, distrust by not integrating all of the needs on the table.

So fine. Powering one set of values over another creates problems. What do we do about it? I mean, if I *had* a solution that were more effective, more fun, and less costly, then I could use it, right?

Here is one solution: I'm going to call it the Both/And solution. Here's what that might look like in math:
A + B = C?
or
B + A = C?

In other words - If I take both A (the needs I'm inclined to shove under the carpet) and B (the needs I'm choosing to meet by doing that), instead of carpet-sweeping one of them I'm going to put them both together and ask myself a question - C.

It goes something like this:

How can I do A in a way that also takes care of B? or
How can I do B in a way that also takes care of A?

This A + B is what we call "power with"; both/and. This is very different than doing our habitual A OR B, either/or, which we call "power over".

Here's what "power with" might sound like in the examples above:

- "Wow I'm exhausted; I also have work. How can I give myself peace with my boss IN A WAY THAT ALSO takes care of my need for rest?" OR "Woof, I'm tired. How can I give myself rest IN A WAY THAT ALSO will protect my income at work?"

Notice that as we ask the question - the solution may not appear immediately. However, we cannot get what we do not ask for. By simply asking the question, and being willing to hold onto the question, we open up possibilities.

- "Hrm. She wants to go out... How can I express my care for her IN A WAY THAT ALSO gives me the freedom of choice that I want?" OR "Hrm. She wants to go out. Ok - How can I get a sense of my freedom IN A WAY THAT ALSO contributes a little bit to her desire for companionship?"

Often, the answer will show up in the form of "partnership". Ex: "Hey, I have a dilemma. I care about you, but I also want some freedom tonight. What could WE do that would take care of both of us?" In this example, not only does it hold both sides of you (your care and your freedom), but it also fulfills your intent for expressing care for the other person. You're saying, "I know I don't have a solution yet, but I'm not going to abandon any of this. Let's work together to find a solution."

- "Eek...I've 10 minutes to get to work and Billy's playing. Ok - How can I support Billy playing IN A WAY THAT ALSO gives me what I need in integrity about getting to work on time?" OR "Uh oh, 10min until work - How can I fulfill my intention around work IN A WAY THAT ALSO contributes to Billy's play?"

Sometimes unexpected answers will appear - "Hey Billy! I have a game!! Last one to the car is a rotten egg!!!" Now you're cultivating BOTH play AND your hopes for integrity around your work schedule. Or "Huh! If I'm 3 minutes late I can deal with that. I don't need to yell at Billy and yank him away from play after all." Or, "Hrm. I care so deeply about my son's wellbeing that I'm going to collaborate with him, show him that he matters, and enroll his support. Hey Billy, could you help me? I'm scared about being late to work, I'm afraid the boss will yell at me. Could you and I play in the car on the way?"

Sometimes the answer comes not in the form of an immediate solution, but a conversation we can have today that will generate a solution tomorrow or a month from now or a year from now.

- "How can I provide for my prosperity IN A WAY THAT ALSO accounts for the prosperity of others in my organization?" OR "How can our company provide Health Care IN A WAY THAT ALSO contributes to the company's bottom line?"

You may not have an answer today. But I absolutely guarantee that if you make this intention a company policy, as a leader you will gain respect even if it takes time for the solution to appear. I also guarantee that what you focus on, you attract, and if you concentrate on the question long enough, and ask for others' recommendations, a solution *will* surface.

What if it were possible to suffer less and thrive more?
What if it were possible to get the system doing what we want in ways that were more fun and less costly?

What if A+B=C? is the formula that provided 10, 20, or 50% greater success, more of the time?

What if cultivating A+B with ourselves could impact the planet at large, without one ounce of cost?

In the integral community, some people bash A + B as "green swamp". They are afraid that if we start collaborating with others to find workable solutions that include everyone all the time, we'll spend all of our time negotiating and "holding the question" and never get anything done. It's true, I have seen people take A + B to the dysfunctional extreme. Have you ever been in a meeting where everyone wants to be heard and we leave the meeting without ever getting anything done?

Again, Both/And comes to the rescue. When we combine our skills from "power over" (let's make the best decision we can, and DO something), but in a way that includes an A + B perspective (I will not meet one set of needs at the expense of another), what we have is a capacity to decisively choose a direction that accounts for both sides as best we can. When we add to this a heap of flexibility, when we give ourselves room to adjust the plan as we go if we find a better way, what we have is both inclusion and movement. The net result - results with a more system-inclusive approach.

Moving from an either/or framework (first tier) to a both/and framework (second tier) provides solutions that account for more of the system, more of the time. That system may be two sides of myself, or us, or our groups, or the Material Plane at large. In any case, Both/And results in solutions that are more effective, more fun, and far, far less costly.

An Opening for Values-Based Awareness

"Chaung Tzu insisted that judgments like right and wrong, good and evil, fair and unfair were just mental habits, ideas that had gained currency through repeated used rather than through inherent truth."

J. Geary, Geary's Guide to the World's Great Aphorists, p. 227

Let's try on the coat for a moment and imagine this to be true. If "good/bad", "right/wrong", "fair/unfair" are simply cultural habits - what's the alternative?

On what basis do we assert "good/bad", "right/wrong", "fair/unfair"? What barometer do we use to measure this?

If we had a more powerful, more life-serving way of expressing, what would it be?

Sending playful smiles,
Gail

Dear Gail....

Thought you'd enjoy this mini-conversation I shared with a friend about polyamory.

Enjoy!
Gail

Dear Gail,

How do you do it? How do you manage a poly relationship? I am watching friends fall apart because they tried it and its just hard...even for me because I am friends on both ends.

Sincerely,
Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

How is this different than a mono-relationship; isn't it the same pain?

It's true that polyamory has its own challenges and learning opportunities. But in my opinion, leading a healthy, successful poly relationship takes many of the same basic skill sets that you need in order to lead a healthy, successful monogamous relationship. In my 20 years of coaching, I have seen many people who just flat don't have the basic skills to live a successful, thriving relationship.

Here's one example. When the sh** hits the fan, I often see people make one of 3 basic communication mistakes:
1. confuse stories for observations (ex: she's mad at me vs/ she hasn't made eye contact with me today) - we can avoid misunderstandings if we - as Krishnamurthi suggests - seek the intelligence of observing without judging.
2. confuse feelings and needs for thoughts and judgements (ex: i feel like he should spend more time with me if he loved me) - when we separate our feelings (sad, disappointed, unhappy) and needs (because I want companionship) from our thoughts, we have a better chance of asking for what we want in a way others can hear (ex: i've been sad wanting more companionship, would you spend 2 hours with me tonight?)
3. not make clear doable requests to meet their needs

These simple, common habits can make or break a conversation.

Now take folks without basic relationship and healing skills, throw them into a poly scenario where emotions are even MORE likely to be stimulated, and where transparent, generative, needs-based conversation is even more vital, and you've got a recipe for disaster alright! This is why they pay me the big-bucks to do relationship coaching. *wink*

With a few fundamental skills and practices, I believe many more polyamorous and monogamous relationships would thrive.

If you'd like more information about polyamory, or if you'd like a free consultation toward an ongoing coaching relationship, call Gail toll-free 1.877.535.5438.

3 Steps to Finding Fulfillment

Wallowing: the act of focusing on what we don't like, don't want, don't have, and/or what isn't working, at the expense of taking the next step. What is the next step? Articulating what Is It We Do Want, Would Like, Wish To Have?

• Last week I had a call with a client who said, "I just realized I've spent so much time focusing on what I don't like about my life that I've put no energy into trying to understand what I want."

• A woman in Nevada so consistently focuses on what she does NOT know that she never takes the step to ask others if they know, so that she can know.
  
  
• A man in Colorado finds his life so terribly unfulfilling that he's crushed under the weight of his loneliness and misery, but he doesn't cultivate the skill of asking for what *would* bring him fulfillment.

When I watch these clients and so many of you living the same habits, these moments break my heart, because I so so want for your opening, your thriving, your joy, and your exquisite-cup-overflowing-fulfillment.

Would you consider taking on these 3 steps toward finding relief for yourself?

3 Steps To Finding Fulfillment:

1. Track your list of what isn't working, what you don't like, what you don't want, etc. This first step is vital, as a first step. But when we stop there, we merely cultivate our own misery, disempower ourselves, and piss in the ears of people around us, perpetuating more misery. Writing them down gives us a place to move from.

2. Next, for each line in your list of #1, ask yourself - what is the YEARNING behind that voice. If the line for #1 says, "My life sucks." (what I don't want) - write in column 2, "I want more XYZ". If your line for #1 says, "My boss is a jerk." (what I don't like) - write in column 2, "I'd like to be treated with more respect." What does that voice in #1 yearn for? What do you need that the voice in #1 is dearly (and tragically, in its style) trying to ask for? What does the voice in #1 want more of?

3. Make a doable request to *get* the thing you wrote about in #2. Write down a request you can make of yourself, or that you can make of someone else. If in column 2 you wrote, "I want to be treated with more respect," ask yourself to stop your boss the next time you want it and say, "Listen, would you be willing to speak to me at a lower volume?" Write it down.

What? You can't think of a request for #3? Try this: I request myself to ask 3 people what they would do if they were in my shoes and wanted what I want in column #2.

Now what? Do you have to actually MAKE this request? Oh, you may do it, you may not. However, learning to translate your wallowing into an actionable request about what you DO want will take you miles further toward finding fulfillment. While you wallow, you are 100% guaranteed to NOT get what you want. While you translate wallowing into what you want, and try to get better and better at making requests to fulfill what you want, you have at least a 50-50 shot! Maybe you'll get it, maybe you won't. But at least you'll have a chance.

If you'd like more information about "Powerful Requests", or if you'd like support to make the 3 steps work for you, or if you'd like help to come up with doable requests that will actually help you meet your needs, call for a coaching session: toll-free 1.877.535.5438.


Visuals by www.PDImages.com

Needs vs/ Needy?

Thanks to friend Eric B. from Vermont - I got to thinking today about needs as power or a vision, as opposed to needs as a dependency. In TIA we talk about the power of making requests to fulfill underlying needs...but is there a different energy when we're making a request from vision rather from a 'need to meet a need'?

Hrm...

Curiouser and Curiouser
Gail

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

Oscar Levant

Malevolent Evil = Eye of Beholder

I invite you to a thought experiment - imagine there is only "malevolent evil" in the eye of the beholder. Imagine that in truth the "perpetrator" has the same universal underlying needs that you have, and is attempting some benevolent end - either as a gift to himself, others, or the Divine. Imagine that t's only judgment and interpretation that assesses this as either 'good' or 'evil'. What if, as "beholding eyes", we practice attending to the pain or fear underlying the judgment, and uncover the yearning trying to be voiced in us? I imagine when we do, we have an opportunity for restoring our capacity for "true sight"...increased power to affect the outcomes we desire. What do you think?