What's an Observation?

To observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.
- Jiddu Krishnamurti

When we think and communicate based on pure observation, needs and requests, we increase the likelihood for movement, connection and fulfillment.

For the sake of increasing fulfillment, I invite you to replace the use of "observation" as it is colloquially used (to mean "to state an opinion or conclusion") with a sense of speaking about the world in observations that are without conclusion, assessment, opinion, or judgement.

Observation is:
- the act of making and recording a measurement. Ex: "Three times this week". Therefore "always", "never", and "sometimes" are not observations, but assessments. "You never XYZ," is not an observation. "Twice last week you didn't XYZ...," may be an observation.

Observation is:
- recognizing and noting some fact or occurrence. Ex: "The door closed." Therefore, interpretation is not the same as observation, "you slammed the door" is an interpretation. "I have not heard you tell me back what I'm saying" is an observation. "You're not listening," is an interpretation.

Observation is:
- recognizing and noting some fact or occurrence. Ex: "I asked twice and twice he said 'no'," is an observation. "He is stubborn," is a label, an assessment, an opinion, a judgment.

Observation is:
- recognizing and noting some fact or occurrence. Ex: "I have met 2 people who earned more than I earn who I did not like," is an observation. "Rich people are mean, they think they're entitled," are generalizations, categorizations (ie: assessments, not observations).

Observation is:
- recognizing and noting some fact or occurrence, without making meaning. Ex: "1000 suicide bombers died last year," is an observation. "The world is being overrun by suicide bombers," is an extrapolation of you making meaning, your opinion / conclusion that doesn't represent a fact.

Observation is:
- free of judgment, opinion, analysis, assessment, generalization, or interpretation. Ex: "I observe that 3 days last week you told me you were busy," is an observation. "I observe that she's pathological," is not an observation, it's an assessment, an analysis, regardless of the fact that the word 'observe' is being used. "She is wearing a red hat," is an observation. "She's dressed strangely," is an opinion.

Think of it this way - if someone can argue with you on your statement or debate the validity of it, or if it could not be recorded on a video or on tape, then it's likely not an observation.

How are your powers of observation?

FACT OR THOUGHT?
For each of these sentences would you assess it as an observation or as an opinion? If you think the sentence is an opinion, how might it be changed to qualify as an observation?

- The world is falling apart.
- I'm having a bizarre day.
- You're just PMSing.
- He's difficult.
- He hung up on me 3 times! He's a jerk!
- You're a terrific dancer.
- You're the best dancer I've ever danced with.
- I love how you waltz.
- I notice I'm obsessing.
- I notice I'm spending more than 2 hours a day thinking about it.
- I observed that he was too impatient to talk to me.
- She said it in a threatening tone of voice. Everyone would agree!

Veils...

The veils begin to lift, you know, once defenses begin to fall.
Be vulnerable.
The Universe

image thanks to dreamstime

The Art of Morality

"Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere."

-- G. K. Chesterton

"The art of morality is understanding where you draw your lines, how, and why. "
-- Gail Taylor

In conventional morality, we draw a line because we're trying to conform (or get others to conform) to what we're taught is right/wrong, good/bad, acceptable/not acceptable. In relativistic morality, we draw a line only if it's right for the person/persons involved; the relationship of the issue to the individuual or group becomes priority, and the "right choice" for "each person" could differ. In integral morality, we look at the system along with our awareness of cultural norms and relative needs, and draw a squiggle that will most open the system. But the capacity to do so requires an aptitude to consciously identify the underlying commitments at play. Is it moral to lie to your spouse? If we have come to a transparent spiritual play of it as a means to open each other and our relationship, it may be. Is it moral to participate in war-oriented projects? What are the underlying values we're trying to fulfill? Are we making choices that are inclusive of all needs, or are we making choices at the expense of someones / some culture's needs?

Where, how and when do you draw your lines? For any given decision, does my morality tend toward a more conventional, relativistic, or integral morality?

Decisions Decisions Decisions

“High achievers spot rich opportunities swiftly, make big decisions quickly and move into action immediately. Follow these principles and you can make your dreams come true.”

- Robert H. Schuller


I love this quote; to me it translates to "successful people make decisions quickly". Let's not make the mistake though of confusing wide-reaching, systemic decisions with low-risk, low-impact decisions that affect only a small circle in the system.

When I'm making general, day-to-day, low-impact decisions, I try to remember that I want to thrive, and life is short. So my practice is to notice when I'm hedging or dragging my feet, and just pick a choice. Just pick one. I realize I can always correct the handlebars on the bike if I find I'm going too far out of the way of my intended direction. But if I sit on the bike mulling over which direction to set the handle bars, I'm never getting anywhere.

More systemic-impacting decisions I'll take more time to do due diligence, but still, the idea is to inform myself to the best of my abilities in a reasonable amount of time and then choose, knowing I may always adjust the direction later if new information comes in.

A multi-millionaire I once worked with said, "Successful people make decisions quickly and change their minds slowly. Unsuccessful people take forever to make up their minds and then change their mind continually."

Hrm...should I or shouldn't I take this advice...hrm...let me think...

*wink*

How might I / you / we apply this to a more powerful, effective, thriving life for us, our families, our work places, and our planet?

Cheers to living alive!
Warmly,
Gail

Dear Gail....

Thought you'd enjoy this mini-conversation I shared with a friend about polyamory.

Enjoy!
Gail

Dear Gail,

How do you do it? How do you manage a poly relationship? I am watching friends fall apart because they tried it and its just hard...even for me because I am friends on both ends.

Sincerely,
Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

How is this different than a mono-relationship; isn't it the same pain?

It's true that polyamory has its own challenges and learning opportunities. But in my opinion, leading a healthy, successful poly relationship takes many of the same basic skill sets that you need in order to lead a healthy, successful monogamous relationship. In my 20 years of coaching, I have seen many people who just flat don't have the basic skills to live a successful, thriving relationship.

Here's one example. When the sh** hits the fan, I often see people make one of 3 basic communication mistakes:
1. confuse stories for observations (ex: she's mad at me vs/ she hasn't made eye contact with me today) - we can avoid misunderstandings if we - as Krishnamurthi suggests - seek the intelligence of observing without judging.
2. confuse feelings and needs for thoughts and judgements (ex: i feel like he should spend more time with me if he loved me) - when we separate our feelings (sad, disappointed, unhappy) and needs (because I want companionship) from our thoughts, we have a better chance of asking for what we want in a way others can hear (ex: i've been sad wanting more companionship, would you spend 2 hours with me tonight?)
3. not make clear doable requests to meet their needs

These simple, common habits can make or break a conversation.

Now take folks without basic relationship and healing skills, throw them into a poly scenario where emotions are even MORE likely to be stimulated, and where transparent, generative, needs-based conversation is even more vital, and you've got a recipe for disaster alright! This is why they pay me the big-bucks to do relationship coaching. *wink*

With a few fundamental skills and practices, I believe many more polyamorous and monogamous relationships would thrive.

If you'd like more information about polyamory, or if you'd like a free consultation toward an ongoing coaching relationship, call Gail toll-free 1.877.535.5438.

Schuller Quote

“What would you do if you knew you could not fail?”
- Robert H. Schuller

I have this as a mantra on my calendar. How might you include this question each day toward opening more of your life?

10 Keys for Finding Happiness

Delighted to share this with you,
Gail

http://lightisreal.com/findinghappiness.html

Directing vs/ Informing

Many of my coaching clients get tremendous results and benefit from a body of work I've created called "Powerful Requests". Although it goes in tandem with another body of work I call "The 10-Minute Manifestor" - "Powerful Requests" elements also often stand alone.

Here's an excerpt from "Powerful Requests" that I hope you'll enjoy using!

Warmly,
GailDirecting versus Informing

Directing and Informing are two styles of how we can make requests. In Directing, we explicitly direct the person to fulfill what we'd like (we ask that they tell us something, or do something that will meet a need for us, or agree to a change that will gift us both). In Informing, we simply give them information and let them come up with a thought about what they'll do about it.

"I'm cold." - Informing
"Would you grab me a sweater please?" - Directing

Both styles are powerful. In the play of energies of yin and yang, if we imagine that the Informing style is yin, and the directing style is yang - by having full skill to use both, we can more effectively support the world around us. Some people will resent being directed; meeting them with yin Informing style may be a gift that opens them. Some will be confused if they are met with the Informing style and not take action to attend to the needs at hand. They may find it a gift to be simply directed at what it will take to contribute to the need on the table.

Often when clients come to me for help to manifest the kind of ease, fulfillment, and thriving they'd like, they may be adept at Informing but not so adept at Directing.

The skill of clearly, explicitly speaking to your underlying needs and what you want others to do about contributing to your needs can make or break your life thriving.

Extract on Stronger Directing:

When making a request, be sure your request tells the person (or yourself) what you want Done - not just the outcome you want or the circumstances you experience.

Client: I told him I wanted a lighter schedule!
G: As him, I hear you giving me information, but it doesn't tell me what you want me to do. You might opt to strengthen your request with:

Ex: I'd like no more than 3 hours this week. Could you tell me if that's workable?
Here you're telling them to do something - to tell you if they can honor the prior sentence.

Other direct requests (ones that tell the speaker what you want them to do) might include:
Ex: Please tell me which 3 hours you'd like of me.
Ex: Please erase 7 of the 10 hours from my schedule.
Ex: Please schedule me only on Monday from 9-12.

The more you direct, rather than inform, the more likely your request will be met.


Would you like 5 free ideas for how to turn something you want into a more "Powerful Request"? Include it in your comment, and I'll respond!

GIM - Poem

This is a poem I wrote in Jan. Enjoy!
---

i have walked among gods
in meatsuits
who forget and believe that the suit is who they are
and who avoid running lest the movement rip the suit
and i too am one of them
sometimes

i have walked among gods
in meatsuits
and i too am one sometimes.
where is the world
where i can live a goddess among gods
where is the world where i can grow
a seed, sprouted, pushing through the soil
seeks the sun and the water lest it die

i have walked among gods
in meatsuits
but i'm remembering who I Am.
and this sadness of the suit doesn't keep Me
from remembering what Is Here
it's just the suit's perspective
and one day i'll ReMember Me.

Malevolent Evil = Eye of Beholder

I invite you to a thought experiment - imagine there is only "malevolent evil" in the eye of the beholder. Imagine that in truth the "perpetrator" has the same universal underlying needs that you have, and is attempting some benevolent end - either as a gift to himself, others, or the Divine. Imagine that t's only judgment and interpretation that assesses this as either 'good' or 'evil'. What if, as "beholding eyes", we practice attending to the pain or fear underlying the judgment, and uncover the yearning trying to be voiced in us? I imagine when we do, we have an opportunity for restoring our capacity for "true sight"...increased power to affect the outcomes we desire. What do you think?

It's All For You

To see reality transform and to see your power bloom, revisit and create the truth that everything you experience is in your favor.

A woodpecker woke me at 6am, hammering away at my chimney. I am SO not a morning person. So, no surprise, I was *not* a happy girl. Twenty minutes after burning paper in my fireplace in hopes of smoking the feathered brat ...erm...friend....out of my morning space, I was still awake, my mind full of chatter and things to do. I finally gave in, got back out of bed, and scratched a nuggets from the chatter into my journal.

Habitually a morning like this would have lead me to a routine of answering, "How was your day today?" with, "Oh a woodpecker woke me up early so I lost 3 hours of sleep this morning." Not pretty.

Then I remembered a friend who has a curious outlook on life. He's from the D/s community and says, "A true Dominant knows that everything is in his favor."

The thought crossed my mind...so I tried on the coat.

Yes, the woodpecker woke me....but what's also true is that during the hours I normally would have been sleeping, I learned about blogging, I learned how to do streaming audio on my website, I fetched groceries for the month, and wrote 3 new entries for one of my new books. Pretty good morning!

So now my new framing for the morning is, "Oh clearly the Muse wanted me up this morning - I've had a wonderfully productive day - totally unexpected."

Thank you, Michael, for helping me turn losses into gains! How much richer my life is now, and all the while nothing outside me has changed.

3-Minute Invitation: try an experiment - think about a "loss" you've recently suffered and then spend 3 minutes with the question, "How is this actually in my favor?"

Funny what I discovered. How about you?

I'd love to hear what you wind up with!

Curiouser and Curiouser,
Gail

Invitation: Start with the belief that, "Everything happens for the best," and "Everything happens for a reason." Looking at a circumstance that apparently failed you, or that was apparently a loss, or that you don't like. Where is it true that this was ultimately "for the best", "happened for a good reason", and/or was "in your favor"?